Fifty Possible Explanations As To Why My Baby Is Floating In Mid-Air

April 20, 2010

  1. Because I.N.G.R.I.D. broke down (INfant Gravity Regulation Implementation Device).
  2. Because an enemy monster cast Float magic on him.
  3. Because this whole room is actually underwater.
  4. Because my wife has been feeding him helium instead of breast milk.
  5. Because he has a Jedi babysitter.
  6. Because a series of very fine wires rigged and worked by backstage crew merely create the illusion of floating.
  7. Because he was on a float in a parade, and some of the floatiness rubbed off on him.
  8. Because he’s wearing new Pampers Zero-G diapers.
  9. Because I am on acid.
  10. Because he’s too small to understand the laws of gravity.
  11. Because he understands the laws of gravity, but has chosen to disobey them.
  12. Because his name is Floaty McGee, Jr., and he takes after his old man.
  13. Because he’s reenacting the floating scene from ‘Sophie’s Choice’.
  14. Because his magnetized space booties have malfunctioned.
  15. Because he’s been peer-pressured by other floating babies.
  16. He isn’t floating. He’s just jumping in slow-motion.
  17. Because he’s auditioning for a commercial from the Church Of Latter Day Saints about the dangers of letting your baby float in mid-air.
  18. Because he got the aforementioned part, and is now on set.
  19. Because, to paraphrase Steve Miller: ‘He’s a floater, he’s a boater, he’s a midniiiiiight voter.
  20. Because, gone are the days of Earthbound babies.
  21. Because there’s no non-floating father figure in his life.
  22. Because he had an A&W Root Beer Float, which delivered on its product promise.
  23. Because his onesie is filled with butterflies.
  24. Because he’s a gassy li’l gaffer.
  25. Because he’s part of an experiment proving the existence of a heliocentric universe.
  26. Because he’s just showing off for everyone else at the day care.
  27. Because tourists will pay good money to see it.
  28. It’s a metaphor for children growing older and moving out of reach.
  29. Because he’s part milkweed.
  30. Because he has slipped the colic-y bonds of Earth.
  31. Because that routine rubella inoculation was actually experimental floatation serum.
  32. Because I was blaring Also Sprach Zarathustra, so it seemed appropriate.
  33. Because his poo has negative mass.
  34. Because he wants to be a hot air balloonist, and is just practicing.
  35. Because he’s experiencing some residual floating from a recent swimming lesson.
  36. Because Grandpa removed all the quarters from behind his ear so, naturally, he’s lighter now.
  37. Because I used Johnson & Johnson ‘No More Gravity’ baby shampoo.
  38. Because Disney Pixar’s Up is full of immitatable acts.
  39. I’m not sure, but while he’s up there I might as well get him to change that light bulb.
  40. Because he wanted to get a closer look at the mural on the ceiling.
  41. Because he’s a little baby buoy. Get it?
  42. Because he realized he wouldn’t be this cute all his life, so he came up with something else to attract attention.
  43. Because he recently listened to the Moody Blues’ song Floating and decided to give it a try.
  44. Because he recently read Archimedes’ treatise On Floating Bodies and decided to give it a try.
  45. That’s not floating. It’s yogic flying.
  46. Because he’s going as the Goodyear Blimp for Halloween and wants to get into character.
  47. Because, in addition to circumcision, we also had him carbonated.
  48. Demonic possession. Which also explains his diaper rash.
  49. Because he’s doing some freelance testing for Lockheed-Martin’s Infant Vertical Propulsion Division.
  50. Hey – it’s a free country. Let the kid float.

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